I am a Mother

Mom says, "I have my grand baby's name all picked out."  Like other mothers who nag about career paths, marriage and children, I accept her LIST of first and middle names for both genders.  So there is only this slight pain gnawing at my emotional center.  Of course the implication is I'm not trying hard enough, to help her reach HER life goal of being a grandparent, but that's what parents do. They remind you of your failures to push you to be better.

Twenty minutes later from a totally random person who is at best an acquaintance of my mom, whom by the way was not included in the naming ceremony conversation asks,  "Where are your kids, how long have you been married, what are you waiting on?"

So hear is where IT begins: "No kids really why not?" Insert sarcasm: I really have 4, I only claim during tax season.

"You don't know how to parent because you are not one." Insert sarcasm: Oh I see because your child's behavior is a perfect reflection of your mastery of the parenting manual.

"No kids, oh well enjoy life" . Insert sarcasm: "Oh I will, because I see in your life you just reached a boregasm.

Or my personal favorite, "Happy Mother's..., oh sorry!"

There are so many other statements that have been said to me and others like myself. My assumption is that nothing was ever intentionally mean, but still hurtful. Having children doesn't validate your womanhood or make you a lady anymore than wearing earrings does. We have all heard of awful mothers who made horrible selfish decisions and caused harm to an innocent life. Being a mother is intentional love. Here is my story:

I have had two miscarriages. The first I suffered emotionally greatly because I thought I was further along.  I specifically thought I was out of the danger zone, past my first trimester. I discovered that I was pregnant at 8 weeks and had to have a D & C at 16 weeks, the baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks. The second was physically painful but was a point of growth for me. I was prayed over and conceived exactly as told to me.  To lose the pregnancy was a spiritual and life growth moment on a lot of levels.

At what point does life begin, conception or birth? This is not a pro-choice or pro-life argument, just my opinion. Women are now empowered to make choices that are suitable for their lives and my thought is only God can judge your life choices. After experiencing a precious gift of life and have it taken from me and not be able to experience the fullness of parenting has caused me to examine my values. I have since changed my stance. I would prefer to see all life continue until nature decides the fate. So the question I ask is are women only considered mothers at delivery? What about women who suffer still births or women who have had children to passed away, are they still mothers? Is there a time limit before you are considered a mother? Of course not.

What does it have to do with being a lady? Below are a few gentle reminders of how to conduct yourself as a lady during this subject.

1. Don't ask!
A lady doesn't intrude and ask personal questions.   Are you really prepared to deal with the answer? What if I said my womb is barren or God is punishing me for some sin. Noone wants to respond to that heavy answer, its not like you can just say me too.  It doesn't work. What if I said. "I hate kids, they are grubby little leaches, (Of course I don't) then I'm the bad guy, but you asked! How would you respond if I answered with expletives, of a sailor? I'm sure you would just clench your pearls.(Asking why are you still single applies too!)

2. Be sensitive to others and their spiritual growth.
A lady is aware not everyone is at the same place spiritually as oneself.  Being sensitive makes it hard to truly communicate and can hinder life's progress.  So being intentional in your words in conversation leaves room for someone else's growth.

3. Don't be sensitive
This for me is truly hard. I wear my heart on my sleeve with pretty ruffles and all sorts of embellishments. I have to constantly remind myself that the world is not conspiring against me. A lady learns to balance her emotions with timing. Two scriptures come to mind when I am trying to stay out of my feelings: Psalm 119:165  and Philippians 4:6,7 and if nothing else Keep calm and carry on.

4. Don't make promises you don't know to be true.

In an attempt to be comforting people say things like. "Oh that happen to me or You will get pregnant right away" Well what if I don't? A lady is true to her words and acknowledges relationships and speaks word of kindness, a prayer of comfort, or nothing at all instead of excuses.

5.Be happy where people are in their life.

A lady doesn't try to put labels, justify shortcomings with sarcasm, or impose benchmarks on their life or anyone else's life.  God has made my path, even as controlling and as I am, I know now He has the final word.

I leave you with this, I am a mother. Not by conventional standards but because I have made sacrifices for the sake of a child's welfare. I have given my last bite of my favorite dish to peering eyes. I have been at a point were a child's safety mattered more than my life. I have felt complete trust and unconditional love while holding a baby as we gazed silently at one another. I have experienced first days of school, graduations, scraped knees, poop and vomit covered sickness hugs just needing comfort, interrupted bathroom time and pregnancy at whatever length.  I have pretty awesome friends and family that have shared with me their babies no matter the age.

I recognize that there are things that I don't know and can't claim to know as a mother because I have not experienced it.  What I have experienced is love and I believe that is what makes a woman with children in her care a mother.